Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Gwyn's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
3:57 pm	The move is in 4 days. I am excited about it, because it will be a new start at something, which is usually fun. I also just want to get it over with already, so I can get on with setting up all my stuff in a way that makes me happy, and negotiating the set-up of shared space with my roommates in a way that makes me sane and comfortable. I am also excited because (after the initial costs of moving) I think I will be spending slightly less on rent and bills than I currently am, which is very, very good. I am putting off packing until Friday because I really hate living in a dis-assembled state. I've put a few things into boxes, and taken down the posters that kept getting blown off the walls by the fan, which gives me a sense of productivity and forward momentum, but I anticipate that it will be easy enough to pack up the rest of my room come Friday, which I have taken off of work. The rest of the apartment, like the kitchen, will be a bit more of a headache, but at least since I am moving with my roommates, we won't have to deal with splitting up dishes and pots and utensils and the like. I promised my friends at work that I would stop talking about apartments by mid-July, once I was moved in and settled, so I will try and hold to that, and maybe by then there will some other interesting stuff going on in my life to talk about. Or maybe not. My big hope right now is that I am still excited about the new place after we have all been living there for a month or more, sharing bathrooms. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
8:12 pm	After spending a good deal of today feeling gloomy because of the wet, sticky, grey weather, and because I had a bad hair day, and because I kept nearly forgetting all the tiny yet crucial tasks I currently need to accomplish to keep all the projects at work running smoothly, and because the big move is going to be stressful and costly and possibly messy and tight for me, financially, I've decided to get over it and be thankful for what I do have. Here are some of the big ones: 1) A nice new apartment in a good part of town with 1.5 bathrooms, lots of storage, plenty of parking, decent sized bedrooms, recently updated interior and some solid roommates (plus doggy!) to share it with. 2) A job that I can do well, and that I enjoy, where I am valued as an employee, and surrounded by good people and great friends, and where I earn enough to get by comfortably, even if there's little left over after bills. 3) An awesome loving and supportive and funny family, and all my old and new friends that I consider my extended family. 4)My health, even if I sniffle often and can't run very far without getting winded. 5) A good state of mind, a deepening faith, and a life that makes me happy. This past year I have been trying to have a positive, healthy attitude and live life in an more unselfish manner. I'm sure I still have lots to work on, but on the whole, things are going well, and for that I am definately thankful. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
8:42 pm	We may have found a new place to live. After viewing it, I spent the whole ride to Target arguing all the reasons it wouldn't be the best choice in my head, which should have tipped me off to the fact that we are probably going to go for it. It's smack in the middle of downtown, so parking would be something to negotiate, and it's smaller than here - my room would be half (or less than half!) the size of my current bedroom. And the rest of the apartment has a very open floor plan, so there isn't that much privacy or division of space. But it is a wicked nice place, and I would be saving money, and my roommates want it and still want to live with me and are willing to let me out of it if it doesn't work out for some reason. So I said I'm in. I can't imagine finding a nicer place, and I will still be paying about $100 less than I am now, which would cover the cost of a parking permit at least, and possibly go towards starting a savings account. Either way it's a new and different situation, and it could be a really positive change. I am opting to be optimistic about it. So let's hope they accept us. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
7:56 pm	My new hair is growing on me. (Please, that was not meant as a bad bad pun.) It's not so scary to see my reflection, and sometimes I even like what I see. I still think that this is the last of my dying adventures, though. I look good with the hair God gave me, which, you know, makes sense, because it's my hair. Still no place to live, though there are a few options out there are we are constantly looking for more. I have really good days, when I'm optimistic and excited about finding a new place, and then bad days, when I just get very stressed out and have no idea what will happen to us, and panic and grow quite despondant over where I may end up. I just don't want to settle for some place that's not so great, you know? Hopefully something will work out, and either way change is change so I will just go with it. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
8:10 pm	So who has seen that new Da Vinci Code movie? And you know how Paul Bettany plays that really creepy albino monk, and you're like, wow, he sure is creepy? I look like Paul Bettany. I thought it would be a good idea to bleach out my hair this summer, because I've been wanting to do it since I moved back to Northampton about a year ago, and because the last 2 or 3 times I did it I thought I looked so hot and shit. So either I messed up, or I grew up, and don't think looking like "Switch" from the Matrix is the epitome of cool anymore. So I panic everytime I look in the mirror. My roommates get home tonight, and they have good taste, so I will see if they say "Gee, that looks good!" in a good way, or in an oh-crap-that-looks-bad-but-I-should-acknowledge-it-anyways kind of way. And then M will tell me whether or not I should run out to CVS to buy some Garnier and dye it down to something less shocking or if I should rock out and am just being a baby because big changes always freak me out. I'm a little nervous about heading into work Monday, because we have a big conference in a week, and it's all about "being the face of the company" and shit, and I don't want my boss to flip out because I look like a punk kid and that's not the face we want our company to have. So I will probably wear a suit when I head in to work, just to show that I can still mack it with professionalism. Crap. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
7:51 pm	New Things My roommates came home from the Cape Memorial Day weekend with an adorable little puppy. His name is Baxter. He is a Jack Russel/Pug mix, if you can picture that. Very cute but VERY BITEY. We are working on the whole 'expressing excitement without using teeth' thing. Very wiggly fun little doggy, though. Unfortunately, we aren't allowed to have dogs in our apartment. So we need to move out. *I* don't, of course, since it's not my dog, but I don't want to stay and have to find another couple to stay with (because the bills are so high) and was thinking I should be leaving before we turn the gas heat back on, anyways. So the plan for now is to look for a place that will suit the 3 of us plus the dog. And that hopefully has two bathrooms, and parking for three cars, and bedrooms that aren't too small, that's nice and new-ish, and doesn't cost too much...and has a magic pony garden, with fairies that bake cookies and do the laundry. I can wish, right? Anyway, that's enough to shake things up for now. So I will put off plans of a second job and night classes in something fun until I have found a new place to live. As far as unambiguously GOOD news goes, I had my 6-month review today, and apparently, I kick serious ass. Yes, I am perfect at everything I do. Ha! So I am excited about that, even if it's mostly because the job is much too easy for me...it's still proof that I am totally awesome, and it never hurts to hear that from your boss. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
10:57 pm	I think that I need to do some new things this summer to keep my life interesting. Or at least, revisit some old things that used to keep me occupied. Because this whole bored at work (because I'm so ace at my job) and bored at home (because I don't do anything every) really isn't working for me anymore. June is just in time to shake things up. I hope. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
9:46 pm	Birthday! I had an absolutely super birthday yesterday. A lot of people remembered and did kind things that totally made my day. It was very nice. Thank you. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
8:40 pm	I actually like the rain, except, perhaps, when I am forced to be out in it for extended periods of time. One of my favorite sounds is rain pelting against the windows; it always helps me sleep peacefully and well. What I miss so much, living as I do on the ground floor of a 3-story apartment building, is the sound the rain used to make drumming against the roof, and especially against the multitude of skylights, of our Hill Road house. The noise was thunderous, especially during storms, powerfully loud and penetrating. I absolutely loved that house in the rain, the warmth and security of home and family amid the fury of the elements, battering, clattering against the broad panes of glass set loftily in the ceiling. The noise would be tremendous, beautiful. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 5th, 2006
9:52 pm	Did It Today I went running for the first time in two years (OK, technically last year I tried to go running once, but it didn't stick, so I'm not going to count it). My legs were burning before I even hit the stop sign half a block from my house. But I kept going, all the way 'round the short loop M showed me when we started running "together" back in college (quotes being used to indicate that while we left the house at the same time, we didn't actually run at the same pace, take the same route, or end anywhere near each other). Halfway through my "run" had morphed into what must have looked like a very wobbley sort of trudging, but at the very least, I didn't stop until I was back in front of my house (and I even picked up the pace before hitting the driveway, because there were neighbors on the steps and I do have some misguided pride). It's funny, because usually I feel pretty good about my body, and am happy with my weight/size/proportions, but whenever I do anything remotely athletic I realize how terribley out of shape I am and get very depressed. So really, excersize is bad for my self image. But I will try to do it again, at least once, because things like that are important (being able to run a block without collapsing, not having bad self image). * I use way too many parentheticals. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 15th, 2006
1:15 pm	IIIIIINGGINNNNGGGGINNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIINGGG That's the sound I hear all the time now. When I'm concentrating on other things, I don't really notice it, but then when I stop focusing on anything in particular I can hear that high-high-high-pitched ringing in my ears. Because I'm around computers so much, and the copier at work is always humming and singing away in the alcove across from my cubicle, it took me a little while to realize that the ringing in my ears is not exactly due to an external source. It's somewhat distracting, and I don't like it. What I dislike more is that bouts of sharp pain, the hollow under-water sensation, and the got-off-the-plane-but-my-ears-won't-pop-back feeling. Last weekend I watched It's All Gone Pete Tong, which is a really great "true story" about an immensely popular British DJ who goes deaf. I highly recommend it. But of course now I think I am going deaf. So I have an appointment with the doctor this coming Thursday, and I hope that it is soon enough, because I don't like walking around with my ears all fucked up like this. But I couldn't get an appointment any sooner because of my schedule at work. So I hope I don't go deaf in the next 5 days. Or, you know, the next 15 or 50 days, or really, ever. Yeah. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
2:11 pm	My roommates new couch arrived today (at 8:00 AM, to be specific) and they are very please and excited. The couch is comfy, for sure, but definitely too large for our living room. It's also a slate-grey color, which I don't feel is the best choice; the walls are white and buttery yellow, and all the art is in tones of red and pink, so I think a warmer color would have been more complimentary. Oh well. They also bought a fancy flat-panel TV to mount on the mantel, which has incredible picture quality, but was not really necessary, since there is already a TV in every room of our small little apartment (with the exception of the bathrooms). They got all this fancy new stuff to make the living room more of a "hang out" space, and graciously let me know that I was welcome to hang out there too (Oh really? So my HALF of the rent DOES entitle me to access to shared spaces? So kind!) I'm feeling pessimistic about it because my fear is that all the "hanging out" that goes on will intrude on my privacy - my bedroom shares a wall with the living room and shutting the door does very little to differentiate the noises coming from either space...not that I tend to make a lot of noise in my room, but they do, and their friends do, and even though they always "try to be quiet," I don't think they quite understand just how instrusive it can feel. That was a whiny, run-on sentence, and I apologize. The optimist in me thinks it will be a nice space to watch movies in, and maybe sometimes we will even watch TV out there together, instead of separately alone in our rooms, which is totally fine, but also kind of depressing and ridiculously isolated. So yeah. Cool new living room. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 30th, 2006
8:59 pm	Fiction I didn’t know that I was crying until I tasted the salt and snot on my upper lip. With the realization came huge, wracking sobs that ate up my breath and sounded like a dog barking, far away. “Maybe you should go into therapy,” Peter said, shifting under the blankets from his side of the bed. “What.” I stated the questions as a sentence, punctuated by a sudden burst of anger. “Maybe you should…talk to somebody,” he continued, “about your…” “About my…?” The last sentence hung limply in the air, then fluttered to the sheets as neither Peter nor I dared the breath to support it. My ‘problems?’ My ‘issues?’ My dignity raging, I finished his thoughts with my own, but was too tired to voice them. “Look, are you going back to sleep or not?” Peter plumped his pillows and looked pointedly at the clock, which ticked over to 5:17 AM as I flicked my eyes across the room. Slobbering into my shirt sleeve, I yanked back the blankets in a huff. “I haven’t been asleep all night,” I spat, wrestling my feet free of the flat sheet and throwing myself out of his bed. “Fine.” Peter’s reply was muffled by the blankets, his back already toward me, heaving in time with his breath. I stared at the bed, trembling on the dawn-cold floor, brutally wiping my eyes on the sleeves of my shirt. “Wait - ” For a moment, his beautiful head popped above the sheets and those shocking blue eyes held mine. Before my heart could fog with hope, Peter continued. “Can you fix the blankets? You exposed my feet when you got up.” Deflated, I stared at three smug toes wiggling naked against the sheet. “You can just fuck yourself,” I breathed at him. “What?” His leg jerked, annoyed. “I said you can TUCK yourself…never mind.” I reached over and shook the rumpled sheets smooth, spreading the carefully over the foot of the bed, smothering his wriggling toes in layers of cotton and wool. “There.” I choked back a vicious sob. “Is that better?” “Perfect.” Peter’s head flopped back and he stretched comfortably under the weight and warmth of the bed clothes. I was already stumbling into the hall, my steps unsure in the hazy grey shadows of the morning, when I heard him extend a generous “Thank, babe!” vaguely in my direction. Safely down the hall and locked in the bathroom, I slammed down the lid and collapsed on the toilet. There, in the dark, I allowed my anguish to wring itself dry until a hollow ache in my throat stifled my cries and my sleeves were too damp to catch new tears. I pawed helplessly at the toilet paper, balled it up and blew my nose once, twice, three times, loud satisfying honks that cleared the gunk from my face and the fog from my head. Turning on the lights, I assessed myself in the mirror: my face was pale with exhaustion, and a red rash freckled itself across the circles under my eyes, a result of too many tears and fruitlessly aggressive rubbing. I was tired, and ugly with grief. Worse yet, I was still in love with him. And he had chosen her. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
7:16 pm	Beautiful Day It was just beautiful out today. It made me really happy. I took a quick walk around the building with Joe at work today, and did not want to go back inside afterwards. We saw a little groundhog-type creature rustling about, which was very exciting. Now I'm just in a really, really good mood. I'm afraid that if I stay home I will just settle into watching TV in a few hours, but I want to do more than that (though I've started watching sitcoms again, which is actually really fun - no matter how much I love CSI and SVU, it's nice to have some silly, non-traumatic entertainment every now and then). At writing group last night, I wrote a piece that seemed to get a good response, which made me quite happy. I'm all about group validation and appreciation. So I want to write more, but am still completely lacking motivation and inspiration. Hopefully I will be able to get some self-discipline and settle into a habit of writing frequently. It's one of my goals. Spring is coming! I am so excited!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 25th, 2006
3:39 pm	I've had a bit of a headache since I woke up this morning, but in the last hour it's gotten really, really bad. Like, OUCH! - even though I took 2 advil. Hopefully the meds will kick in and it will fade away; if it doesn't I will not get my taxes any errands done and be a very sad kid all day. I got a haircut today, which I was uncertain about (because I always overthink my haircuts) because flopsy bangs are a little more feminine and it's usually a good (though stereotypical) idea to have a look that's not entirely androgynous for work. But I was not happy with the bangs that were there and wanted to cut it short for the spring (which is taking it's time in coming, but I remain optimistic!). And I am so happy with the haircut! I can tell because I keep preening in front of the mirror like I am such hot shit - not to sound arrogant or anything - and usually I just try and make sure I don't look too bad. So it's nice to feel cocky, even if it's just over a silly gay hair cut. I printed out my Federal and MS taxes from TurboTax to review them - but I wouldn't really know if it was done wrong to begin with, so I'm hoping that everything is in order. I am doing my MA taxes by hand, because they are complicated and mom knows everything about the forms and can talk me through it. I'm so confused, and can't wait to be done. I am very excited to file taxes next year, though, in only ONE state, with no Americorps awards or extra jobs to muck it all up. It will be so fun and simple! For that, if no other reason, I don't plan on moving or picking up extra work/changing jobs for the rest of 2006. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
7:42 pm	I feel pretty tired right now and would be happy to crash or just give up on being useful and slouching in front of the TV until I fall asleep. But I am trying to avoid being lazy and wasting away my free time so un-creatively. I'm in a good mood about myself right now, which I like a lot. I'm not always in a super mood. I do think that my hair looks a little dumb, though - a cross between too long for shorty-short spikes but too short for flopsy messy bangs. However, I won't be bleaching it anytime soon - Tim (my baby-faced letch/lush of a boss) just got a short haircut and with his white-blonde hair we would end up looking like twinsies if I went back to that look (I think it looks better on me, quite frankly). And I certainly don't word going around that office that Tim and I are twinsies. But despite this hair (non)issue, I feel exceptionally self-positive. Yay! I should write something to make the most of the moment, but I really do feel tired. So I will probably eat some Milky Way Popables in front of the TV instead. Which isn't healthy, but they are starting to go stale since I opened the bag, and I would hate to waste them. * One of these days I will write something REALLY interesting and well crafted. I swear. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
7:21 pm	My trip to Virginia was rather nice. I got paid for sitting around reading In Touch, Glamour, and Jane, which is a cool way to make money, even if you have to do it in airports. What was not so cool was the part where I had to get up at 4:50 AM and didn't get home again until sometime after midnight. The people at the DOE were very nice. One of the women who welcomed me and helped get the room set up for the conference looked like Geena Davis. It was uncanny. I got a fake celebrity buzz from her. Then I got a real second-degree buzz because the man I flew down for knows Wendy Kopp! How exciting! He was very interested to learn that I was a TFA alumn and kept asking me questions about teaching and certification and my take on things. I kept being very noncommittal, always aware that I was there to tow the company line, and responded to most of his comments with something along the lines of "I understand what you are saying." Which isn't really saying anything, really. He gave me his card when we broke up, and told me to get in touch if I got bored with what I was doing now, and also expressed interest in having me look him up for a "brown bag lunch" with some of his associates to talk about my TFA experiences and how they compare to what I am doing now. Networking is cool. I got very disheartened after I left the meeting because we ran late and I didn't get out until 3:30. By that time, all the nice restaurants that had been recommended to me were closed for lunch and not yet open for dinner. So I walked around (in the beautiful sunny, warm-windy, 70 degree weather!) and my tired feet until I got to the point where I would pitch a fit and ducked into a hotel lobby to use the bathroom, call a cab and wait for my ride back to the airport. At the airport I had a BBQ sandwich and chips and bought a bunch of snacks because I didn't come near out-pricing my per diem allowance and wanted to get the most out of the trip. Seven hours later I finally got home and fell into bed. Sleep is nice. I will be glad to sleep tonight. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 12th, 2006
2:27 pm	I was planning on finishing my taxes today, but because of my part-year resident status in two states and the overlapping of some of the incomes that kept me afloat this year, I can't proceed without placing some calls to Mississippi asking this nice lady I spoke with last year to re-figure my income and withholding and all that into two pre-move and post-move categories. Which is frustrating, because I was being so good about doing my taxes in a (relatively) timely manner and was excited to get something crossed off my long-term TO DO list. I also need to did up some TFA materials for a presentation my boss asked me to make during tomorrow's team meeting, and because I am a tool I didn't email people about it last Monday when I found out, but waited until today to look around for stuff that I need by TONIGHT, at the latest. Which means that this might not be the best presentation I've ever given. Of course, he doesn't know anything about TFA so I could make the whole thing up and he wouldn't ever be the wiser...but that seems like more trouble than it's worth. So I guess the only productive thing I can do today is all my laundry, which isn't especially fun and because of the whole timing issue, doesn't feel like such an accomplishment because I can't start it then be done quickly. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
4:16 pm	I think I want to cut my hair soon. Like, super shorty-short again. But I think I should wait until it's a little warmer first. But I don't want it to be TOO shorty-short because it looks better when it's a little bit longer for work. I also think I want to bleach it again. But I've been off hair dye for nearly a year and am afraid that if I go back on it will be another 7 years before I can shake the habit. And that's no good. I like my natural hair color. But I also like to be a blondie with short spikey hair. SIGH! Such a tough decision. * It's very nice out today. I opened my window and cleaned my room and walked around town with friends. Very nice. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
12:39 pm	This weekend I participated in the MTEL administration at Arlington High School. The "Incident Room" (aka headquarters)was a meeting room for the guidance office and was adorned with dozens of motivational posters under such headings as "Friendship" (To have a friend, you must be a friend), "Luck" ('The harder I work, the more luck I find I have' - Thomas Jefferson), "Work Hard" ('Nothing worth gaining was ever gained easily' - Theodore Roosevelt), and "Courage" (Courage means being scared to death and doing it anyway). I noticed that none of of the posters said "watching TV improves your mind, body, and soul" or "the road to success is paved in chocolate." Perhaps I need to re-evaluate the way I have been living my life... (Comment on this)